(enchant: ?passage, (color: #6aa6a6) + (font: "Courier") + (text-style: "bold") + (text-size: 0.9))
(enchant: ?principles, (font: "Times New Roman") + (text-style: "none"))your name is (link: "...")[==AIVIDE THIERI. \
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santerre is [gorgeous]<gorgeous|[beautiful](beautiful|[pretty](pretty| at night. \
(click: ?gorgeous)[(hide: ?gorgeous)(show: ?beautiful)]\
(click: ?beautiful)[(hide: ?beautiful)(show: ?pretty)(show: ?prettyCont)]\
|prettyCont)[==\
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it is made of things that shine, little windows and streetlights and (link: "stars")[sometimes, if you're lucky, stars, twinkling resolutely [through the clouds]<clouds|[in the icy-clear sky](sky|]. \
(click: ?clouds)[(hide: ?clouds)(show: ?sky)(show: ?starsCont)]\
|starsCont)[==\
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they are pinpricks in the shadows of buildings, but from the train window when the sun has set, [lights]<lights| are all you can see[: the lights of other trolls flashing by, and the lights of the stars unmoving above them](lightsRev|. \
(click: ?lights)[(show: ?lightsRev)(show: ?lightsCont)]\
|lightsCont)[==\
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you had a great view of the stars[ ]<starsSpace|[from your window]<yourWindow|[from her window](herWindow|, for a while. \
(click: ?yourWindow)[(hide: ?yourWindow)(show: ?herWindow)]\
(click: ?herWindow)[(hide: ?starsSpace)(hide: ?herWindow)(show: ?windowCont)]\
|windowCont)[==\
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popular wisdom held that the first sweep of college was the best sweep of a teal's life. [you wouldn't... [disagree]<disagree|, entirely.]<disagreePsg|\
[there was some truth to that, in your mind.](disagreeRev| \
(click: ?disagree)[(hide: ?disagreePsg)(show: ?disagreeRev)(show: ?disagreeCont)]\
|disagreeCont)[==\
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walking the streets of santerre, on your way to the Archival Center or your dorm or a restaurant somewhere, hemmed in by buildings that seemed too tall to be supported by anything but hope-- \
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you felt connected to this place, in a way you [[don’t think]<connected| you’ve ever felt connected]<connectedPsg|[haven't felt](connectedRev| before or since. \
(click: ?connected)[(hide: ?connectedPsg)(show: ?connectedRev)(show: ?connectedCont)]\
|connectedCont)[==\
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they are the same streets now, the same walks, but something has changed, some magic has vanished. looking at the buildings, you no longer see a marvel of architecture and [hope]<hope|[; only the view from the top floor, looking out over the impossibly tiny dots of life moving below](hopePsg|. \
(click: ?hope)[(show: ?hopePsg)(show: ?hopeCont)]\
|hopeCont)[==\
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[she [ruined]<ruined| you.]<ruinedPsg|\
(click: ?ruined)[(hide: ?ruinedPsg)(show: ?leaveOutPsg)]\
[`<[` [impulsive]<impuls|! [leave this out]<leaveOut|; `]`](leaveOutPsg|\
(click: ?impuls)[(show: ?leaveOutEnch)(replace: ?impuls)[unfair]]\
[(click: ?leaveOut)[(hide: ?leaveOutPsg)(show: ?blamePsg)]](leaveOutEnch|\
[you can't blame [anyone]<blame| for that.](blamePsg|\
(click: ?blame)[(hide: ?blamePsg)(show: ?faultPsg)(show: ?faultCont)]\
[it's nobody's fault.](faultPsg| \
|faultCont)[==\
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[things]<things|[perceptions](percep| change with time, [and feelings are things, ]<thingsPsg|but you still can't help [feeling [sad]<sad| about it]<sadPsg|[missing that ](missingPsg|[naïveté](naive|[feeling of novelty](novelty|. \
(click: ?things)[(hide: ?things)(hide: ?thingsPsg)(show: ?percep)(show: ?sadEnch)]\
[(click: ?sad)[(hide: ?sadPsg)(show: ?missingPsg)(show: ?naive)(show: ?naiveEnch)]](sadEnch|\
[(click: ?naive)[(hide: ?naive)(show: ?novelty)(show: ?missingCont)]](naiveEnch|\
|missingCont)[==\
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on [some days]<someDays|, [with an essay just behind you and the wind in your hair, ](daysCont|you would have almost dared to call the world magical. \
(click: ?someDays)[(show: ?daysRev)(show: ?daysCont)]\
|daysCont)[==\
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now[,]<justComma| it’s just[...]<just|[ the world, the same one you grew up in, the same one you will [die]<die|[spend the rest of your life](live| in.](justRev| \
(click: ?just)[(hide: ?justComma)(hide: ?just)(show: ?justRev)]\
(click: ?die)[(hide: ?die)(show: ?live)(show: ?liveCont)]\
|liveCont)[==\
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so this is how you feel tonight, gazing out the train window as santerre slowly shrinks behind you: [mundane]<mundane|;[ hopelessly tethered to a world that could not care less that your semester is over, that you are on your way back to seilat and sandcatmom and [home]<home|, [the faker home, the home which never felt suffused by possibility but which therefore cannot feel like it has lost it.](homePsg|](mundanePsg| \
(click: ?mundane)[(show: ?mundanePsg)]\
(click: ?home)[(show: ?homePsg)(show: ?homeCont)]\
|homeCont)[==\
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you want to feel sad. you want to feel like you have always felt leaving santerre, like a part of you is being left behind among the writing center desks. \
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but you cannot force your [heart]<heart| to feel one way or the other[, and tonight, what it feels is heartrendingly whole](heartRev|. \
[<br><br>`<[` if only it were that simple; `]` [`=`>]<heartRevCont|](heartRemark|\
(click: ?heart)[(show: ?heartRemark)]\
(click: ?heartRevCont)[(hide: ?heartRemark)(show: ?heartRev)(show: ?heartCont)]\
|heartCont)[==\
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[a thought strikes you, and you almost bark out a laugh. clearly, something in you has changed, because it wouldn't even feel [*right*]<right| to feel sad. \
(click: ?right)[(show: ?sadnessFor)]\
|sadnessFor)[==\
sadness is for people who have lost something tangible, something they can mourn. what have you lost? \
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[<br><br>`<[` [her]<her|; `]`]<herPsg|\
(click: ?her)[(hide: ?herPsg)(show: ?haveEverything)]\
|haveEverything)[==\
you have everything now that you had when you began the sweep. more, even! \
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<br><br>`<[` but i still HAD her; \
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[just because i don't anymore doesn't mean that didn't HAPPEN! \
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[why "this sweep"? why not a semester, a quarter, a week? \
(link: "=>")[(show: ?cutoffThings)]](whySweep|\
[what is the cutoff for when things [matter]<thingsMatter|? \
(click: ?thingsMatter)[(show: ?cutoffShe)]](cutoffThings|\
[what is the cutoff for when [she matters]<sheMatters|? \
(click: ?sheMatters)[(hide: ?wouldntFeelRightPsg)(show: ?wouldntFeelRightCont)]](cutoffShe|\
`]`
]<wouldntFeelRightPsg|\
|wouldntFeelRightCont)[==\
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[`<[` think about something [else]<smthElse|; `]`]<smthElsePsg|\
(click: ?smthElse)[(hide: ?smthElsePsg)(show: ?smthElseCont)]\
|smthElseCont)[==\
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santerre is behind you, now, too far to see without pressing your cheek against the cold window. for a moment, you consider getting off at the first stop, buying a ticket back, [turning around]<turning|-- \
(click: ?turning)[(show: ?turningCont)]\
|turningCont)[==\
but that would be ridiculous, of course, just a flight of fancy. \
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there is nothing for you there, now. the semester is over; the deadline for housing applications is long past. \
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you would have nowhere to stay. \
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[`<[ whatever you're about to think;` [don't]<dontThinkLink|; `]`]<dontThinkIt|\
(click: ?dontThinkLink)[(hide: ?dontThinkIt)(show: ?dontThinkCont)]\
|dontThinkCont)[==\
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[[.]<dots1|[.](dots2|[.](dots3| [`=>`]<dotsCont|]<dots|\
(click: ?dotsCont)[(show: ?dots2)(show: ?dots2Ench)]\
[(click: ?dotsCont)[(show: ?dots3)(show: ?dots3Ench)]](dots2Ench|\
[(click: ?dotsCont)[(hide: ?dots)(show: ?dotsCont)]](dots3Ench|\
|dotsCont)[==\
but... can this be [it]<thisBeIt|? \
(click: ?thisBeIt)[(show: ?thisBeItCont)]\
|thisBeItCont)[==\
you feel hopelessly childish as the words enter your head, but [you [can't]<notCant|]<notCantPsg|\
(click: ?notCant)[(hide: ?notCantPsg)(show: ?notCantRev)]\
|notCantRev)[==\
the thought of [[carrying on]<carryingOn| with your life--]<carryingOnPsg|\
(click: ?carryingOn)[(hide: ?carryingOnPsg)(show: ?carryingOnRev)]\
|carryingOnRev)[==\
returning home as though nothing has happened makes your stomach knot. \
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it is not as though this is the first time [your life has been [changed]<lifeChanged|]<lifeChangedPsg|[something significant has happened to you](lifeChangedRev|. \
(click: ?lifeChanged)[(hide: ?lifeChangedPsg)(show: ?lifeChangedRev)(show: ?lifeChangedCont)]\
|lifeChangedCont)[==\
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there is no respite from the march of experience, nor a time before change to long to return to. \
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yet you long for one anyway: a time when everything is reliable, when there is no exam to prepare for or global cooling to worry abstractly about or [`<[` [...]<aividots| `]`]<aividotsPsg|[devastatingly beautiful fishgirl to dance around the forbidden edges of your thoughts.](aividotsRev| \
(click: ?aividots)[(hide: ?aividotsPsg)(show: ?aividotsRev)(show: ?aividotsCont)]\
|aividotsCont)[==\
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you want to rest your head on sandcatmom and listen to her purr, without thinking of dormant radiators and lecture halls and online forms carrying more weight than anyone should be forced to shoulder. \
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you do not want this. you do not want [what you have]<nowPsg|[now](nowRev|. \
(click: ?nowPsg)[(hide: ?nowPsg)(show: ?nowRev)(show: ?nowCont)]\
|nowCont)[==\
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someone coughs several rows behind you, and you start as a jolt of adrenaline snaps you out of your reverie. \
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you fiddle with your hair [self-consciously]<selfConscious|, \
(click: ?selfConscious)[(show: ?selfConsciousCont)]\
|selfConsciousCont)[==\
the malaise already [[leaving]<leaving| your head]<leavingPsg|[draining from your mind](leavingRev|. \
(click: ?leaving)[(hide: ?leavingPsg)(show: ?leavingRev)(show: ?leavingCont)]\
|leavingCont)[==\
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`<[` [deep breaths]<deepBreaths|;[ [one]<oneLink|;](breathOne|[ [two]<twoLink|;](breathTwo|[ [three]<threeLink|;](breathThree| `]` \
(click: ?deepBreaths)[(show: ?breathOne)]\
(click: ?oneLink)[(show: ?breathTwo)]\
(click: ?twoLink)[(show: ?breathThree)]\
(click: ?threeLink)[(show: ?breathCont)]\
|breathCont)[==\
the lights in the train car are dimmed, but still make for a good feature to focus on. \
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you run your hands over your face, blink as you refocus your vision. \
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your mind traces back over the thoughts that got you here, and you [shudder]<shudder|[purse your lips](shudderRev|. \
(click: ?shudder)[(hide: ?shudder)(show: ?shudderRev)(show: ?shudderCont)]\
|shudderCont)[==\
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that's quite enough of *that*. \
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[`<[` [distract yourself]<distractLink|; `]`]<distractPsg|\
(click: ?distractLink)[(hide: ?distractPsg)(show: ?distractRev)]\
|distractRev)[==\
...you've opened troll twitter before you've really thought about it. \
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sasara's page is a few practiced taps away. no new troll medium articles-- you would have gotten a notification-- but a few tweets since you checked this morning, including an acerbic quote retweet of the latest troll marvel announcement that almost makes you giggle. \
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hoping to find some offended replies to laugh at, you discover it's evolved into a lengthy thread about the role of corporatized media in keeping the populace complacent. \
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a fascinating read, no doubt, and one you should have barely enough time for knowing her. you lean back in your seat and scroll up to the beginning. \
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[`<[` [it's okay]<okayOne|[i'll be okay](okayTwo|; `]`]<okaysPsg|\
(click: ?okayOne)[(hide: ?okayOne)(show: ?okayTwo)]\
(click: ?okayTwo)[(hide: ?okaysPsg)(show: ?okaysCont)]\
|okaysCont)[==\
your name is AIVIDE THIERI, and with santerre shrunk to a memory, you[ [think]<doOrDoNot| you can still]<doOrDoNotPsg|['re going to](doOrDoNotRev| salvage this night.\
(click: ?doOrDoNot)[(hide: ?doOrDoNotPsg)(show: ?doOrDoNotRev)(show: ?endCredits)]
|endCredits)[==\
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`<[` FIN; `]`
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`<[` starring [aivide thieri]<gigabold|; from [AIVIDE THE PREQUEL]<gigabold| by [katia @chronotopics]<gigabold|; `]`
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`<[` featuring appearances from [linora fleuré]<gigabold| (katia's) and [sasara versii]<gigabold| ([julia @DEATHMETALJOCK]<gigabold|'s); `]`
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`<[` a fanwork by [skylar @vriskastan]<gigabold|; ]
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`<[` beta readers; `]`
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`<[` [myth @mind-static]<gigabold| (tumblr); `]`
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`<[` [X @writingwerewolf]<gigabold| (IG); `]`
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`<[` [serkets system @JuneSerket]<gigabold|; `]`
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`<[` thank you for reading! `]`